My last post was 6 months ago when I finished my 500 Days of Yoga blog. Since then I have maintained my daily (for the most part) yoga and meditation practice. I am taking a writing class and am putting pen to paper or, rather, pecking on my keyboard, on a semi-regular basis.
There has been lots of introspection and much soul searching in the past year and I find myself torn. Torn between the life I am told I want ( in general, by society) and the life I feel most drawn to. I am torn between the carrots I have been shown and encouraged to reach for and the deep rooted satisfaction that I find in other pursuits. I am torn between participating in an urban/suburban lifestyle and disappearing up the mountain.
I must admit to liking many aspects of my so-called successful life. We want for nothing we are more blessed than I had ever dreamed possible and yet something tugs at me, tugs at my heart, tugs at my soul. I realized many years ago as I battled depression that "having it all" is a big pile of shite, completely irrelevant unless an individual pulls apart the threads of their "all", figures out what aspects of life bring meaning and happiness to him/herself and weaves those few threads back together into their perfect life.
I spent the past 8 days travelling with my daughters and doing way too much driving. Funny how driving gives your mind plenty of time to wander, to question, to ponder. For the past year (or perhaps, the past 45!!) I have been nudged (sometimes gently, sometimes quite violently) to see the truth and uncover my "all" and the road trip allowed me to take a step back, look at the bigger picture and understand that now is the time to weave together the individual threads that I want in my life into my life.
Last night I read a quote from Haruki Murakami: "You really need to prioritize in life, figuring out in what order you should divide up your time and energy. If you don't get that sort of system set up by a certain age, you'll lack focus and your life will be our of balance." Once he understood that writing would be the focus of his life, he committed to it fully, accepting there would be other aspects of life that he must give up. My biggest concern with this idea is that I may be past "a certain age"!! I have asked for guidance and thus I will take this at face value and go with it, besides, I have just entered the middle third of my life so I should be good, I think :)
And so, here I am, once again. I am happy to say I know the threads I want in my life, it is a little more difficult to say how that life will look. I don't believe it has to take years to figure it out, I truly believe we can wake up in an instant. (Not sure why I insist on taking the circuitous path!!) Do you have an inkling that something is nudging or tugging? Step back, breathe deeply (and often), meditate or pray and be open to receiving feedback you had not planned for.
Namaste.
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